Cops, Killers, and… Wait, Is Wrongful Death a Felony or Did I Dream That?
[Sound of something falling] Ow. Shit. Is this thing on? Whatever. It’s… what day is it? Who cares. It’s me. Again. Can’t sleep. That Portland… thing. You know? With the… [unintelligible mumbling] Two million bucks. For not… catching a guy? I think? Maybe I’m thinking of that fishing show I watched at 2 AM. Do fish sue cops? That can’t be right.
TV Lawyers Make This Look Easy
You know what’s bull… bologna? Baloney? Whatever. Those lawyer shows. Had this client… no, wait. Was it a client? Might’ve been the guy at the deli. Anyway, someone was yakking about wrongful death medical malpractice lawyer stuff. Like it’s all dramatic and… [yawn] …stuff. Real life? It’s me. Eating cold pizza. At 4 AM. Wondering if I put deodorant on yesterday. Or was it Tuesday?
Everything’s a Disaster These Days
Speaking of disasters… [long pause] What was I saying? Oh! Right. This dude called. Or emailed. Or maybe it was a carrier pigeon. Wanted a… what’s it called? Catastrophic accident attorney. For what? His cat looked at him funny. I swear on my law degree. Which is… somewhere. Under the pizza box maybe? You know what really grinds my… what’s the phrase? Gears? No. Wheels? Eh, close enough. It’s the dumb… [hiccup] …cases. Like that slip and fall head injury thing. Guy slips on a banana peel. IN HIS OWN KITCHEN. Sues the grocery store. Make it make sense. Please. I’m begging you. Oh! Almost forgot. Was reading about… [paper rustling] …this thing. Tank slapping. Sounds dirty, right? It’s not. I think. Unless tanks are into that. Do tanks have feelings? Note to self: Google tank emotions later. I should sleep. Or maybe learn to juggle. Can you put “professional juggler” on a resume? Asking for a friend. The friend is me. I’m the friend. [Sound of liquid being poured] Is this water or vodka? Eh, bottoms up. Where was I? Portland? Planets? Pantyhose? P… something. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Except sleep. And coffee. And maybe those little cocktail umbrellas. Why don’t more legal documents have those? If anyone needs me, I’ll be under my desk. Building a fort. Out of law books and broken dreams. And pizza boxes. Memo to self: Buy more pizza. And toilet paper. And a life. Do they sell those on Amazon? I’m going to… [loud snore]
